|October 5th 2016-11:02pm|
I can’t breathe.
It feels like something heavy is weighing down on my chest. Is it the impending possibility of not having lived to my expectations becoming reality causing this pain? Or is it the knowledge that the haze of fantasy will be cleared by the winds of reality?
Either way, I’m so anxious for tomorrow return of paper it feels like I can break down and cry from the brunt of the anxiety and the nervous churning of my stomach. It’s painful when you feel like crying but somehow you can’t.
I hate that feeling.
Furthermore, there is this creeping notion that has been lingering in my head all day and had been drawing the curtains of self-pity and gloom. The notion that maybe I don’t need friends and I just need my family beside me. I know that in reality its ridiculous; everybody needs friends to survive right? But its just this feeling that the existence of the friends that I have now seems very fleeting like they are just another scenery in my walk of life. Now, don’t twist my words or anything. I don’t mean that they are inferior or worthless or anything like that. Its just a weird whim of mine that pops up every now and then.
Thinking back, I can attribute a few events that could have caused me to feel this way: One would be that when my mom asked me who are my best friends in school and I hesitated before giving their names. That really came as a shock to me because as far as I can recall whenever my mum questions me on that sort of who-is-your-best-buddy kind of question, I have never hesitated before answering. I was always clear on the statuses of my friendships but now it would seem that I’m not too sure anymore.
Even though, I am surrounded by so many people, how can it be that I feel so lonely?
Of course, this would breathe life into my coping mechanism, my imagination whirring into action coming up with impossible fantasies that would temporarily soothe the ache in my heart, but it never rids it.
My friends are special snowflakes- all unique and none the same. But honestly, I don’t think I have found that one or few people that I would have that special bond with for life- a bond indescribable and peculiar. I think I would just have to wait and see.
Let’s not dwell on this miserable topic anymore, it will simply make my insomnia more imminent. Anyways, I’ve chanced upon the English translation of EXO’s Monster.
I’m gonna mess you up
I’m engraved in your heart
So even if I die, I’ll live forever
You call me monster
I’ll go into you heart
There is something very twisted about this lyrics and I can’t put my finger on what it is. It could be the idea that the “monster” will be engraved into your heart and will live forever even if its physical manifestation dies. It feels very dark and warped.
Something that could possibly live in you forever? Permanent scars that will never fade? Memories that would shackle and chain you up?
The very idea of permanence and eternity is one that sends chills up my spine. Especially coupled with an entity that is being dubbed the “monster”, one that connotes evil and sinister ideas. I think I shall rant about it another time when its not nearing 12am.